Other Ten Percent 7/18/13

Jul 18 2013

And now, a brief history of my interactions with machine intelligences that have probably caused them to take a darker view of humanity and resulted in hastening the development of Skynet, and for which I thoroughly apologize.


July 2013– I attempt to correct Spotify’s bizarre belief that starting a radio station based on M83’s Midnight City means I really love the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I’m too lazy to switch programs and actively downvote the choice and instead just skip it. This eventually leads Spotify to such an unshakable belief in my love for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and now, somehow, Lana Del Ray that no amount of actively voting against them can sway it from it’s new opinion of me.

June 2013– Spotify begins to suspect I don’t even know what I want since I keep skipping Dubstep songs like I don’t enjoy them but I just upvoted Skrillex’s Bangarang.

November 2012– A column I’m writing on Streaming Media has so thoroughly confused Netflix about my taste that it basically just gives up and only gives me suggestions based on me liking Joss Whedon.

October 2011– I buy an iPhone 4S and begin teaching Siri about the proper use of curse words.

May 2011– I do a Google Image Search for “Google images” because I don’t want to take the time to edit a screenshot for a story I’m writing. The uncanny accuracy of the results leads me to believe I am not the first journalist to have become this lazy.

June 2009– I get an iPhone and begin regularly texting for the first time. I am constantly annoyed that my phone believes I am planning to type “furniture” when I type “fu.” It is quickly disabused of this notion.

March 2008– I search for “Robot Chicken” in Google and am naturally given results relating to the Adult Swim show of the same name. I am actually searching for information on this quest in World of Warcraft. I change my search to “Robot Chicken wow” and from this point forward Google learns that if I appear to be showing enjoyment of or amazement at anything in the world I am probably looking up tutorials for a video game instead.

January 2007– As an insufferable new fan of the series I begin searching for Doctor Who under the character’s actual name “The Doctor” until Google eventually stops thinking I mean actual physicians or something.

April 2005– Like millions of other Americans I extend the definition of “friend” on Facebook to people I actively despise.

October 2004– I suddenly get over pirates but have previously liked them SO MUCH that it is 2009 before Google stops giving me ads for pirate related things.

October 2001-June 2003– For a little under two years I am convinced by a friend that the breakdown of a Fatboy Slim song I heard one time and kinda liked was actually a remix of a Beastie Boys song off of Hello Nasty. I spend this time periodically searching for things like “Hello Nasty: RARE” and “BEASTIE BOYS REMIX” until I eventually just start yelling at Google for being stupid and not finding what I want. This is how I first begin teaching Google about how to use curse words.

November 2000– My affinity for writing sentences with four or more clauses along with my inability to use commas has turned every microsoft word document I write into a sea of green “grammar corrected” text. Eventually I tell Word to ignore enough of these issues that it effectively gives up on the comma as well.

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